They say that the Greek Gods died because people stopped believing in them.

The other day I allowed myself to believe that SEO is bullshit. (For those unaware SEO is Search Engine Optimization. Basically it is various methods people employ when they create web pages on their site to encourage someone finding your website from Google or other search engines.)

I was listening to my Marketing Over Coffee podcast and I heard that them say that the SEO community is in an uproar over Google’s recent Plus One service. I began to laugh. My experience with the SEO community suggests they are not real people, but more like a swarm of flies on a shit-hunt.

If you’ve ever said “SEO” on Twitter you’ve probably seen some SEO “experts” follow you almost immediately. The other day when I tweeted my newfound SEO feelings I noticed that not only did some of the SEO flies land on my Twitter shit and follow me, they also followed those who engaged in the conversation. I’m pretty sure they’ve unfollowed me by now, looking for the next dung heap for bullshit pollination.

Don’t misunderstand me. I would never create a page or post or comic or anything online without considering SEO. If SEO was a scrap from Longshanks’s table and some crumbs fell on the floor I would dive on all fours and consume those crumbs tongue-first.

But this is the same as praying for a chance event. When you are searching for something on the internet, you’re looking for something specific. And if for some reason the link you choose to follow isn’t what you want, you close that page immediately. I can tell you for organic searches of this site, every single person who was looking for “sc2 cheese” did not read that post. Sorry automaton.

SEO matters for the home page URL. The towering flagship dick of your website. And that’s it. Do you know for most big sites most of their search-related traffic is from searching for your website’s name? You people don’t make bookmarks or utilize bookmark toolbars, you actually go to Google and type in “Facebook.” YOU BAFFLE ME.

But that doesn’t matter. I will continue to suckle the SEO teat and squeeze out the milk-shit. I will pray for that rare attraction between my SEO milk-shit and the fleeting attention of the swarm of internet flies, even if that fleeting moment that registers as a 100% bounce rate and 0:00 time spent on the site. I will continue to spend each day and practicing and repeating my mantra: CLICKS GO IN HERE (rubs website like a tummy).