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I realize the title of this post may bring a flashback to “royale with cheese”, but rest assured, I’m not talking about a burger. Well, not a burger here, anyways.

Someone much smarter than me once asked me why anyone would buy the toilet paper brand in Canada called “Royale.” If you don’t know what I’m talking about, it looks like this:

What the fuck?

Ok, I’ll admit, for the first 20-or-so odd years of my life, I just accepted that this was another brand of toilet paper. I didn’t question their slogan, “kitten soft.” This is probably because when you’re shopping you don’t really pay attention to what you’re doing. “Oo kitten paper is on sale. Now even more kitten-like? Wow that’s gonna be so soft, when I use it.” Isn’t that a little odd? Do people really dream about wiping their ass with a kitten? Is that really a feature that helps you sell your particular brand of shit removal paper? And how much softer can it really get, until they just start shipping an actual kitten, in the bag.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for recycling, and hell, kittens look pretty soft. They even clean themselves, meaning you don’t have to put anything in the toilet when you’re done; you just let nature take its course. But it just, I don’t know. This isn’t right. When you’re in the bathroom, and you gotta clean your mess up, is a kitten really what’s romping around in your head?

You pet me, but not with your ass.

I don’t know how this ad campaign got out, how it’s on TV commercials, and how most of all, nobody else seems to find it retarded. I guess it’s just a normal desire, wanting to wipe your ass with small animals. Hell, human babies have some hair. Why don’t we make some “baby soft” toilet paper and start using that; I mean, are babies softer than kittens? There’s really only one way to find out.