This post will upset my friends who can’t fathom why I’m not playing Starcraft II.

Yesterday my spiritual quest for cheevos led me to the Resident Evil 5 Versus mode.

If you’ve played Resident Evil you know your movement is a hindered dance. You can’t run and shoot at the same time, and both your movement backwards and the speed at which you turn left or right is slow. It’s a system that was designed to make players perpetually fearful of not being able to easily escape enemies – it was never intended for combat against a human player. But I’m a good dancer so I decided to compete.

It was not a competition.

If an online console community is still active after a year players who linger there are fearsome predators who toy with newcomers like powerless prey; I don’t want to admit how many times I attacked with a handgun when my opponent held a rocket launcher.

I know now to lead attacks with incendiary grenades so I can immobilize opponents temporarily. I know to circle around people who use the magnum and take advantage of the recoil from a missed shot. I’m also adjusting to the team-based combat.

The last thing to learn is the location of each of the strongest weapons (shotgun, magnum, rocket launcher) and the fastest route to each based on the spawn location. They seem so crucial to these online lions they don’t even begin the hunt until they get one. Should make a fine trap.

The other difficulty is the team of two friends. These guys mastered the Versus mode together and coordinate attacks over group chat. Meanwhile I get teamed with this kid.

By the end I was somewhat competitive and garnered some narrow victories. You know, I could use a friend on that savanna. Just think friend, for a few hours you can be toyed with while I show you basic tactics and weapon locations. Why play against players of similar skill when you can test your mettle against unrivaled beasts?