This idea came from watching a video of a Brazilian cab driver singing Michael Jackson. My friend sent it to me on MSN and after I watched it I told him: “I want him to have my babies.”

So we took it one step further. I don’t really feel this way about Mr. Bieber, just Michael. Listen to Dirty Diana and tell me Michael isn’t speaking directly to my imaginary uterus. Look me in the Goddamn eye and tell me the mixed-genetics of Michael and I wouldn’t make beautiful offspring. Listen to my karaoke, watch me grab my crotch rhythmically, and tell me our child wouldn’t sing and dance like an angel. You can’t.

When MJ married Lisa Marie Presley I sent her “fan mail” while Michael was on tour that read “He’s not coming back, because he’s sleeping with me.”

True story.