Ah, Choplifter. You might not know this game, but when I was younger I sank many hours with my brother into it on our Atari 7800. It is a work of art, if art allowed you to fly helicopters, dodge pixel bullets, and squish unsuspecting civilians. Actually fuck that, this is better than art. Art wishes it was this, and cries when confronted with such grace and elegance.
Alright, maybe I went too far there. But you get the idea: I loved the game, and it loved me back. And although the game itself is pretty entertaining, what I really enjoyed was landing on the people you were supposed to save. They come in running, hoping for a rescue, and instead are treated to the underside of destiny. To this date, I have not found a sound that is quite as satisfying as that crunch, though one day I hope to. Perhaps by getting my helicopter flight license..
Of course, the numerous videos of Choplifter on the internet don’t show the glorious moment of squishing in the kind of detail I’d like. I suspect that it wasn’t a very popular past-time with anyone but me. But this one action, this one foray into being evil, forever lead me into a legacy of video game malpractice. A few examples:
- Rampage, where your partner, when damaged enough, would turn into a normal human that you could eat. I mean, you weren’t supposed to eat them. You only did that if you were an asshole.
- Double Dragon, where you could beat the crap out of your partner just long enough to see them cry in real life.
- GTA, in which 1 baseball bat and a town full of prostitutes could entertain anyone for days.
- X-Wing, where I played the lone pilot trying to take down a Star Destroyer. I was never successful, but I like to think I made a difference.
- Zelda, where I beat the shit out of the chickens. Of course, if beaten enough, the chickens would become offended; they would tilt back their head and crow for the world to hear, and then proceed to peck your dick off. The first time it happened to me, I shit my pants. Games had learned how to fight back.
If you enjoy trips down memory lane, then perhaps you’ll enjoy falling down the asshole of awesome: these are the games on Atari of which I have the most fond memories of. I dug up YouTube videos, as I think they are the best reminder.
- Star Wars Jedi Arena
- Pole Position II
- Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
- Missle Command
- Dig Dug
Sorry about the lists in this post. I couldn’t help myself.
On a final note, if you’re still reading – I’d like to extend my thanks to our now rather large reader-base. This comic has been around for a year now, and we’ve grown far beyond what I thought possible in that small amount of time. It’s all thanks to you dedicated bunch.